I have many fears in my life...Fear of physical injury...Fear of heights...Fear of physical competition...Fear of proving myself in the adult male world...there are many others...
As a kid I did not do many things that other kids did. Like climbing trees. Hanging up side down. Going really high on a swing. Jumping off a half storey building onto a huge sand pile.
One of the distinct memories that I have when this all started is 'the running race'. I remember this day distinctly. There was this huge ground at my school where there was a running race. The race was from left to right. I was like 7 or 8 that time. When it was time for the race for my class, I chickened out. I said my foot is hurting or something lame like that. I was disappointed with myself. But I saw a window to escapism and today I live in that house of the escapist.
Other incidents are like when I wanted to jump off half storey building onto a sand pile just like my friends. I asked for permission from my dad. My dad said no and I dint do it. I dint like what my dad said at that time and dont like it now either. Another incident is when I climbed up this play structure in my park. And I could not get down from there and I shouted to my friend to get my dad to get me off there. Number of such incidents regarding height and fear of physical injury from my childhood.
The escapism started showing up in studies too. I had this stomach ache syndrome every time I had exams. I just dint like to 'prove' myself. Especially while I was lacking the skills but my parents thought I was good....but in actuality I sucked. I lied to them that I was good and I lied to myself that I was good. Others wont buy my lie because it showed in my grades. So I found a route like not attending classes....not studying for exams or whatever just as an excuse to validate my failure.
One of the biggest issues in proving myself in the alpha male world is my being smaller in height than other guys for most of my life. It was like I always had this inferiority complex. Even today for me a person taller than me is superior to me and shorter to me is inferior.
Through all these insecurities and complexes, I have lied to myself and my parents and my family and friends at how good I am. I wanted to accept my lie on its face value. I dint want to prove myself every time. Every time I failed I convinced myself with some excuse which I came up to cover for my failure in the first place. I told myself I dint perform well this time,but anytime I want I can turn it on and I can blow out the competion but that never happened....never.
So today I am just full of myself. Full of all the lies that I have told myself and my family all my life. I don't like people anymore. I don't want friends anymore. Partially it is because I am not comfortable with the way I look. The way I dress. Also I don't want friends because they don't buy my lies anymore. They point out to my fake 'me' and all the fake 'me's that are inside of me. I dont want to let go off this fake me because I made this up my whole life, this fake me has been with me for so long I almost semi beleive in it.
I am out of touch, out of sync, out of hope, at a loss for any direction or purpose. I have no idea where I am going or what will make me happy. I am still trying to hold on to the 'show' whereas others are laughing their asses off as they see it all fall apart.
Looks like I have come a long way in the wrong direction. The whole world has changed around me. My audience has moved onto Imax theatres while I am still doing a puppet show. If I met someone now they would just laugh it up as to how come I dint know I was driving in the wrong direction for such a darn long time.
As I get down from my vehicle and look in the rear view mirror,hopefully some of the show that I put on in my whole life is 'art imitates life and life imitates art'. Hope some of those characters are real. My problem is only my weight and fear of proving myself in the adult world. I can get back to accepting friends in my life again and I can find myself and find happiness and content again. Please pray for me.
As a kid I did not do many things that other kids did. Like climbing trees. Hanging up side down. Going really high on a swing. Jumping off a half storey building onto a huge sand pile.
One of the distinct memories that I have when this all started is 'the running race'. I remember this day distinctly. There was this huge ground at my school where there was a running race. The race was from left to right. I was like 7 or 8 that time. When it was time for the race for my class, I chickened out. I said my foot is hurting or something lame like that. I was disappointed with myself. But I saw a window to escapism and today I live in that house of the escapist.
Other incidents are like when I wanted to jump off half storey building onto a sand pile just like my friends. I asked for permission from my dad. My dad said no and I dint do it. I dint like what my dad said at that time and dont like it now either. Another incident is when I climbed up this play structure in my park. And I could not get down from there and I shouted to my friend to get my dad to get me off there. Number of such incidents regarding height and fear of physical injury from my childhood.
The escapism started showing up in studies too. I had this stomach ache syndrome every time I had exams. I just dint like to 'prove' myself. Especially while I was lacking the skills but my parents thought I was good....but in actuality I sucked. I lied to them that I was good and I lied to myself that I was good. Others wont buy my lie because it showed in my grades. So I found a route like not attending classes....not studying for exams or whatever just as an excuse to validate my failure.
One of the biggest issues in proving myself in the alpha male world is my being smaller in height than other guys for most of my life. It was like I always had this inferiority complex. Even today for me a person taller than me is superior to me and shorter to me is inferior.
Through all these insecurities and complexes, I have lied to myself and my parents and my family and friends at how good I am. I wanted to accept my lie on its face value. I dint want to prove myself every time. Every time I failed I convinced myself with some excuse which I came up to cover for my failure in the first place. I told myself I dint perform well this time,but anytime I want I can turn it on and I can blow out the competion but that never happened....never.
So today I am just full of myself. Full of all the lies that I have told myself and my family all my life. I don't like people anymore. I don't want friends anymore. Partially it is because I am not comfortable with the way I look. The way I dress. Also I don't want friends because they don't buy my lies anymore. They point out to my fake 'me' and all the fake 'me's that are inside of me. I dont want to let go off this fake me because I made this up my whole life, this fake me has been with me for so long I almost semi beleive in it.
I am out of touch, out of sync, out of hope, at a loss for any direction or purpose. I have no idea where I am going or what will make me happy. I am still trying to hold on to the 'show' whereas others are laughing their asses off as they see it all fall apart.
Looks like I have come a long way in the wrong direction. The whole world has changed around me. My audience has moved onto Imax theatres while I am still doing a puppet show. If I met someone now they would just laugh it up as to how come I dint know I was driving in the wrong direction for such a darn long time.
As I get down from my vehicle and look in the rear view mirror,hopefully some of the show that I put on in my whole life is 'art imitates life and life imitates art'. Hope some of those characters are real. My problem is only my weight and fear of proving myself in the adult world. I can get back to accepting friends in my life again and I can find myself and find happiness and content again. Please pray for me.
